I'm very sad to say that I'm sure this has been the title for many posts done by us in the fertility struggle category. D and I are going through that now. We've tried, and tried, and tried some more, then tried more with other combinations, then tried and wished even harder and here we are. We are cashing out the 401k and praying we have a genius child who can make good money to take care of us when we can't retire. IVF is in our future. It's weird because I've always thought I'd never get there, in 7 years every halloween I've thought oh next year I'm going to either have a cute baby in costume or a cute pregnant costume/belly pumpkin design, or Christmas is going to be amazing seeing those little outfits as gifts or a bundled up little one in a photo with our antler wearing 4 legged kiddos...so cute! Nope not this year. I've noticed that "When we have kids" is no longer in my vocabulary, it's become "if." I hate that word, if, it's such an ugly 2 letter life changing word. Believing in God I've learned that the word "If" gives the devil an opportunity to sneak in and ruin your plans, when I was a child the prayer "now I lay me down to sleep" was stopped and changed to something personal where I thanked him for everything I had and got rid of the "if I die" because the devil didn't need to be given even the slightest of possibilities to ruin our nights, it boils down to faith. "If" is the opposite of faith. I believe that "if" brings us down, as it brought me down every time I heard myself say it. Faith is something I've noticed myself losing lately, in myself, my decisions, my physicians and most of all my beliefs. Until around January of this year Faith in God was something I was lacking. I needed someone to blame for all of this heartache and I was mad at him for not answering my prayers, for his timing not working with mine. How hard did I really have to pray for him to understand how bad I want this? That's where I was stuck, then I was invited to church and remembered that he knows the whole plan, the whole deal is laid out in front of him and he's guiding us through it all. He knows the desires of our hearts and Mark 11:24 tells us that "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." I prayed, then doubted, but still wanted, and it...didn't...work. Faith has no doubt, faith puts it all in his hands, I still have not learned to do that. This week has been especially rough. This month was the "hail mary" of trying, and I was seriously trying to believe it was going to work. There were 2 large follicles on the right side...the side with the straight fallopian tube. It was going to be easy access for those eggs to travel down and meet up with some healthy guys to make a beautiful little embryo. This was my month. When it came time to do my labs I still had hope, then it faded and I took a test at home and it was negative. It hit me hard. Severe depression, I cried all day long at work, I hid my crying from most but my supervisor noticed and called me in where I just fell and sobbed on her shoulder and she cried with me. Then I cried that afternoon some more when my doctor called me telling me the HCG was negative and I could stop the progesterone and estrogen patches. He heard me crying and said "I'm sorry." That was all he could say, I'm sorry. I've heard those words so many times and I still don't know what I should say after that, so I've stuck with "it's ok." That night I went to bed at 8 and cried. The next day was the same thing, crying and crying, and I went to bed at 7. Yesterday seemed to be a little better. Still slightly bitter, but better..today that anger is trying to creep back in, so here's where I'm pouring it out. One of my close co workers is 28ish weeks pregnant with #4. Every day she comes in with something she shouldn't have, this morning was a rather large cup of coffee. One of our nurses told her she needs to throw it away and we all agreed with that nurse, well then she got a little upset. She had every right to be upset as it probably seemed we were attacking her or coming after her, in reality we care. I started to get upset thinking here I am, paying $10,000 for a baby and she's taking advantage of the free one she's having. I had to stop myself and remember that jealousy and bitterness don't show faith.
Here I sit confused, does IVF show a lack of faith, or is it a plan? I am certainly feeling lost and believe that everything I have typed in this long post is coming through as a message to myself to remember to believe and trust when these hard times come along.