Tuesday, September 10, 2013

this one time, when we tried to have a baby..

After some discussions and silent thinking, going back to school has been the choice of our household.  I am going to speak with a representative at a school tomorrow for cardiovascular sonography.  I know that it puts off TTC, well at least with medical help, for a few years, but hey if we would have done this a few years ago when we didn't want to put it off, I would be done with school!  There are too many things to weigh out when TTC and I'm at the point where I can't put life on hold anymore.  I've been going through a crazy setting in my mind of being a rebel against my meds and exercising.  It's a weird coping mechanism I think.  I am having a mental tantrum and hating anything that just "may have helped" TTC and refusing to do any part of it, weird, I know, but how else do you cope?  I am trying to stay positive and know that once I get my head back into the game of exercise and focus on school things will get better, but as of now I want to have a tantrum.
I decided to try to get myself off the don't be sad pills lexapro.  That has proved to be very very hard, I am having a terrible time not crying and having anxiety issues, not sure how to resolve that other than actually taking the pill. 

I do have a confession...This last time trying I had so much put into it, so much hoping, wishing, praying and wanting.  When that negative came I was torn to pieces and angry and I haven't put them back together nor have I tried.  I am walking around pretending I'm ok, it's not strength, it's fraud.  I am not ok.  There is this part of me that just wants to run away, literally just up and leave it all.  Not to hurt anyone, it feels to me like others would be better without my misery and angry, like it would let me heal.  I feel weak and I don't want it to show, I don't want people to know that I can't cope, so if I hide it, I can heal.  I am confused, I am tired of being confused I want answers and I want to live without this feeling of being torn apart.
I don't know if meeting with the school is a way of coping, escaping or moving on, but I hope that it takes my mind off of feeling this way and moves me forward, somehow.

So for now I'm trying to figure out where to put myself.  If I'm home alone in the morning I just want to hide, there's no one there to put on a facade for, no one to fool so I just want to curl in a corner and not move until I feel better.  Is this normal?  What is this?  Do I need to go to the hospital with the padded rooms for a while? 
This is my source of getting it all out.  Even though I fall behind and sometimes I don't make sense, I'm very glad I discovered blogger.


Friday, September 6, 2013

how much would you spend for a baby?

I'm very sad to say that I'm sure this has been the title for many posts done by us in the fertility struggle category.  D and I are going through that now.  We've tried, and tried, and tried some more, then tried more with other combinations, then tried and wished even harder and here we are.  We are cashing out the 401k and praying we have a genius child who can make good money to take care of us when we can't retire.  IVF is in our future.  It's weird because I've always thought I'd never get there, in 7 years every halloween I've thought oh next year I'm going to either have a cute baby in costume or a cute pregnant costume/belly pumpkin design, or Christmas is going to be amazing seeing those little outfits as gifts or a bundled up little one in a photo with our antler wearing 4 legged kiddos...so cute!  Nope not this year.  I've noticed that "When we have kids" is no longer in my vocabulary, it's become "if."  I hate that word, if, it's such an ugly 2 letter life changing word.  Believing in God I've learned that the word "If" gives the devil an opportunity to sneak in and ruin your plans, when I was a child the prayer "now I lay me down to sleep" was stopped and changed to something personal where I thanked him for everything I had and got rid of the "if I die" because the devil didn't need to be given even the slightest of possibilities to ruin our nights, it boils down to faith.  "If" is the opposite of faith.  I believe that "if" brings us down, as it brought me down every time I heard myself say it.  Faith is something I've noticed myself losing lately, in myself, my decisions, my physicians and most of all my beliefs.  Until around January of this year Faith in God was something I was lacking.  I needed someone to blame for all of this heartache and I was mad at him for not answering my prayers, for his timing not working with mine.  How hard did I really have to pray for him to understand how bad I want this?  That's where I was stuck, then I was invited to church and remembered that he knows the whole plan, the whole deal is laid out in front of him and he's guiding us through it all.  He knows the desires of our hearts and Mark 11:24 tells us that "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."  I prayed, then doubted, but still wanted, and it...didn't...work.  Faith has no doubt, faith puts it all in his hands, I still have not learned to do that.  This week has been especially rough.  This month was the "hail mary" of trying, and I was seriously trying to believe it was going to work.  There were 2 large follicles on the right side...the side with the straight fallopian tube.  It was going to be easy access for those eggs to travel down and meet up with some healthy guys to make a beautiful little embryo.  This was my month.  When it came time to do my labs I still had hope, then it faded and I took a test at home and it was negative.  It hit me hard.  Severe depression, I cried all day long at work, I hid my crying from most but my supervisor noticed and called me in where I just fell and sobbed on her shoulder and she cried with me.  Then I cried that afternoon some more when my doctor called me telling me the HCG was negative and I could stop the progesterone and estrogen patches.  He heard me crying and said "I'm sorry."  That was all he could say, I'm sorry.  I've heard those words so many times and I still don't know what I should say after that, so I've stuck with "it's ok."  That night I went to bed at 8 and cried.  The next day was the same thing, crying and crying, and I went to bed at 7.  Yesterday seemed to be a little better.  Still slightly bitter, but better..today that anger is trying to creep back in, so here's where I'm pouring it out.  One of my close co workers is 28ish weeks pregnant with #4.  Every day she comes in with something she shouldn't have, this morning was a rather large cup of coffee.  One of our nurses told her she needs to throw it away and we all agreed with that nurse, well then she got a little upset.  She had every right to be upset as it probably seemed we were attacking her or coming after her, in reality we care.  I started to get upset thinking here I am, paying $10,000 for a baby and she's taking advantage of the free one she's having.  I had to stop myself and remember that jealousy and bitterness don't show faith. 
Here I sit confused, does IVF show a lack of faith, or is it a plan?  I am certainly feeling lost and believe that everything I have typed in this long post is coming through as a message to myself to remember to believe and trust when these hard times come along.